It was an email from Vivie that sparked it
a one-unit class needing an instructor.
My gut yelled, “No! Don’t take it!”
My instincts screamed, “Run!”
But I wrestled with them
stood still instead
knowing this may be a gift.
I opened myself
to the possibility of accepting it
in spite of the raging resistance
the clamoring inside me
in spite of the stress it would place
on the time I had carved out for myself.
I looked at those gift horse lips
silky and amused.
I stared at them
against all warnings
against all reason
chewed my cud
stood my ground
let wave after wave
wash over me
until the screaming voices quieted
my bones bleached by the sun
rounded by the waves
and I knew the right thing
after all
was saying, “No.”
Sitting later on the sand
watching the tide go back out
my muscles melting in relief
I am glad I decided not to teach the class
glad I came out on the other side
knowing it was the right choice
not wrestling with what ifs
not fighting back guilt.
But I am puzzled by it all
looking for meaning.
Was it a lesson in trusting my intuition?
Or was it a chance to stretch
a stepping back
feet sinking in the wet sand
watching to be sure my “instincts”
weren’t just knee jerk
studying those big horse teeth
examining his gait
weighing the salt water in wet hands?
I wonder now what doors this opened
what unseen windows
where the wind rushes in
stirs orange leaves
lets in the mockingbird’s autumn song.
I stand with my back to the sea
while wet sand and water
rush toward my buried ankles
and I am glad I let this pass.
I walk away from the ocean
dry sand clinging to my feet.
I turn to see the red ball of sun
sinking into the sea.
I sigh
and settle
on the soft edge of the earth
my feet tucked under me
the sand warm against my shins.
[Photo found at http://www.fotolibra.com/gallery/513512/red-sun-settting-over-ocean-sri-lanka-36/.]
No Holds Barred 